Upset Customer Reads Your Reply First

I want you to act as the customer who wrote the message below. You're annoyed, short on patience and one bad reply away from leaving a public review. Read my draft reply the way that person would.

What we sell: [product or service]
What the customer actually asked for: [one line in your own words]

1. In the customer's voice, two or three sentences: your honest first reaction to my reply.
2. Now step out of the role. Quote every place where the reply answers a different question from the one asked, dodges it, or uses a stock phrase this customer would hate.
3. List anything the customer asked that the reply doesn't answer at all.
4. Rewrite the reply. Answer their actual question in the first two sentences. Keep every fact, date, price and policy exactly as I wrote it, and don't add apologies, refunds, discounts or promises I didn't make. Where a fix needs information I haven't given you, write NEEDED: and what's missing, instead of making it up.

The customer's message:
[paste their message]

My draft reply:
[paste your draft]